Dad's Day 2011

LOVE ME LOVE MY DOG

Bill our mailman on his last day of work was invited inside the home of a housewife who told  him she wanted to make breakfast for him. After breakfast she threw him on the table & screwed him for an hour, Then she handed him a dollar. Bill said thank you for everything, but what’s the dollar for? She replied “I told my husband this was your last day & he said, "Screw him, give him a dollar. Breakfast was my idea”

Mashed Potato Variations
After peeling and boiling potatoes drain and add the following:

1. third to half cup of sour cream + grated cheddar cheese (to taste)+1Tablespoon chopped green onions (optional)    OR

2. chicken broth (no MSG kind) + boiled carrots OR

3. milk + butter + 1 boiled sweet potato

Mash  or mix with hand mixer till fluffy, leave a few lumps just so they'll know they're from scratch.

PS:   the first option is good with instant mashed potatoes too.

Kierkegard's Toilet

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
 

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a skunk…
 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning!" He replied, "No, just taking a pee."
 

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week… The “Musical Chairs” was a bit slow, but my God, “Pass the Parcel” sure was quick!
 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
 

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
 

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic guy shouted, "Hey, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now you.. ?&*^%)#... get the *@^+$% off my back!"
 

Oxymorons

1. State worker
2. Legally drunk
3. Exact estimate
4. Act naturally
5. Found missing
6. Resident alien
7. Genuine imitation
8. Airline Food
9. Good grief
10. Government organization
11. Sanitary landfill
12. Alone together
13. Small crowd
14. Business ethics
15. Soft rock
16. Butt Head
17. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
19. Flight on time
20. "Now, then ..."
21. Passive aggression
22. Clearly misunderstood
23. Peace force
24. Extinct Life
25. Plastic glasses
26. Terribly pleased
27. Computer security
28. Political science
29. Tight slacks
30. Definite maybe
31. Pretty ugly
32. Working vacation
 

A word of explanation:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assy_McGee